Lost Sexuality

Lord forgive me… I’m going to approach a subject of controversy. There are some seriously repressed individuals out there and I find myself becoming one of them, heaven forbid anyone discuses the “S”word. I’m getting all Carrie Bradshaw on this but I feel as a woman in her late 20s “finding herself again”, I am able to admit that I am not afraid to discuss my sexuality.

A young woman who has decided that she needs a serious break from  the opposite sex. I have been an animal of promiscuity and sadly it hasn’t lead me to a place of great confidence. In fact the detrimental effect of a lack of self respect has caused numerous amounts of questions in my own head; such as am I really someone who just enjoys such pleasures without the need of a man who is always around? 

Believe me its tough being a sexually progressive, feminist in the 21st century. I don’t care what anyone says; as women we have always been scrutinized for being sexual beings. My inner monologue repeats to me – “Oh, no one will want a woman who knows how she likes her buttons pressed.” I admit that reeling off your conquest list is never a good idea when wanting to meet a new lover, but you can sure as hell realize what you and don’t want from a partner. Did I just say that? Yep. 

Sex is fun. Lets face it, anyone with a healthy attitude to the subject will admit that when done properly, it can heighten confidence, body image, laughter and some seriously enjoyable hours spent where ever you choose to play with a “mate”.

“Desperate” for, or wanting sex isn’t a quality many men desire in a woman. Why is this subject still so utterly 18th Century??? I can honestly say as an intelligent and free thinking woman, I find men who think screwing 100s of women for sport are also grossly unattractive and can’t say that I would find that a turn on. In fact I wouldn’t. Conversation is sexy guys… Not a ram raid brag on how you screwed 3 women in one weekend, perhaps discussing music and philosophy isn’t everyone’s cuppa tea, but it’s a lot sexier. 

If a woman of a certain age is comfortable enough to sleep around, like a man, is safe and responsible in doing so, what is stopping her from being a creature of desire? I mean look at piece of brutal history, Jack The Ripper had a desire to kill prostitutes simply for the reason that they used their bodies to keep themselves financially afloat.

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I also feel it appropriate to mention that I am suffering at the hands of deeply tormenting unrequited love… It’s a killer. It’s painful knowing said person will never feel the same as you. So of course post close encounter with said sexy, intelligent, talented magnificent male earlier this year my crazed brain lost it. Quite literally, sleepless nights, lost confidence and trying to get over said male lead to one too many mistakes. I do fear it could take years, even so time always heals. So does the age old, out of sight out of mind. The experience has changed me as a person, I had things to take away from this. But having experienced a slice of heaven, then being flung back into hell I began to explore female sexuality.

Society tells us as women to be sensible. Yes there are many reasons we may not want to promoting sexually free, but I do begin to question why sex and love aren’t discussed on a deeper level. It’s an incredible thing to feel and connect with a lover to such an extent it leaves you physically and mentally charged and feeling like you can tackle anything, however so many young people are subject to very warped views of what sex should be like.  The porn industry, I feel has a lot to answer for, a lot of it is so brutal and desensitized it can be derogatory to both men and women and at times dependent on the style, it can also teach youngsters that women aren’t actually able to have a genuine orgasm. Sorry lads, how many of you know, really know if some of your past conquests got there too?? But why is it still such a taboo to teach young people that a loving relationship and sex go hand in hand?

We are taught the basics to practicing safe sex. But where is the emphasis on the real emotional attachments that can come from a really wonderful lover? I have been lucky enough to really feel something that you cannot actually put into words unless you want to begin reading what could be something out of a Danielle Steel novel. Love, sex and intimacy are among the greatest things humans can experience. Forget all the bullshit of the modern day world, the material possessions we are all taught to believe makes us somewhat successful. Having larger houses, cars, designer outfits etc. Yes we all have our indulgences but where is the truth about how humans ALL have that basic need for genuine love and connection on a level that makes us euphoric.

A good perfume advert tends to try and show these emotions. Ha ha. Yes I am a sucker for a saucy advertisement.  Sex sells and whether you’re willing to accept it we see more and more sexualisation within social media, t.v and day to day life. Humans are sexual beings and ones of great luck as many animals only use it to continue a species. Where as we are able to fully lap up its offerings in terms of pleasure.

 I am someone who likes to look and feel good. Having spent the best part of this year feeling awful, gaining a lot of weight and subsequently losing it again I am at a point where I am being selfish enough to say, “no more!” to a negative body attitude.

With that in mind I would like to point out that I can not find the justice in a world that is afraid of female progression STILL. We as women hold the power, our bodies are incredible. We can bare children, we can be beautiful and strong whilst doing so, we have the choice to decide whether we want to have them or not too. There are a great many ways we of the female species can dominate this earth and I for one am all for it. A woman who values her female friends and their opinions whether we agree on things or not. What makes us all unique and beautiful and powerful really lies in confidence. The confidence to just be an open, an honest individual and to be strong within your own world.

“Sexuality whether it be your power or your down fall is without a doubt, I feel; a way of shaping your individuality. We all learn from experience and I for one have grown to love my creature of dark desire within. Yes sometimes I wish she would give it a rest, allow me to just take some time out from those feelings.”

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So to that end, my activities as a youthful creature of the dark, I shall be shelving myself till I am emotionally able to differentiate them from a need of simply being wanted and for wanting myself. It is easy to become attached to a male in my case. I’ve spent most of my late teens and early 20s in relationships. My own lack of self love poured into it to the degree that I lost my identity and failed to be open enough to be loving and loved. As tragic as this sounds, it’s taught me so much.

But as I grow and allow myself to self love and heal I don’t dis-believe that real intimacy is out there.

So this bare soul admits to loving male contact and also loving ones self. Just not necessarily at the same time. 

So, we have to question why the female approach to love making is still such a taboo? There are a great many people out there who challenge their sexuality and their freedom to it all. With the internet making meeting people such a broad and free world but also still therein lies a danger with who is actually on the other side of the screen still makes me a fearful woman to even approach that side of dating. The world of online dating is a fascinating concept. List your qualities and pros in the hope of meeting a lover, I am not squashing the fact that I many friends who have met their significant other online and had incredibly successful and soul nourishing relationships. However there are many people out there who use such sites to just rack up as many “conquests” as physically possible.

Perhaps I am far to cynical. But in a world where we have so many things that are so progressive and completely modern why do we still have so many men and women alike who think that us females should be shelving our sexual desires in order to be socially acceptable?

I do agree there is a time and a place for discussing sex.. Or maybe there isn’t. But why make something so natural to humans such a hush, hush subject? It’s not exactly a secret, clearly the world is enjoying it because we are so grossly over populated. So is this something I am alone in thinking, that we fierce females should feel bad for enjoying ourselves with men of our choosing? I write this with a serious NO in my head. Our sexual nature is what makes us powerful as well as intelligence and depth, which of course comes from experience. I’d be interested to know what others think on this subject, or if I should just keep my curious brain closed? 

Stay sexy.

Haim.

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